To make a move to write again, is to make a move about writing down the things that matter. Back in 2010, whenever I started This Intangible Existence as a blog hosted on among the free domain space of the internet, I was actually in the early stages of creating something much bigger than that: the records that followed under that pseudonym.
One of the first entries that I wrote under my own domain was the ceremonial act of burning my books. At the time I was just listening to what God was telling me to do. Now I find my words pressed into the digital format; moving past the strokes of the pen, and into the realm of 0's and 1's.
The act of preserving my mind dialog is often questioned by myself. Is it necessary to actually log these words. Is it necessary to even let the content remain accounted for. The Father will throw away what is forgiven in the end, and let it burn away until all that remains is left to his desire.
In these past months of my life I wonder what I've done. My chest is heavy with my guilt, and my soul is burdened in ways that won't recede. A rut this could be; however, I believe this could be the bottom. I'm tired of the bottom.
I'm tired of being the bottom.
Even in the whims of an afternoon delight, I find myself feeling lost and unaccounted for.
So if I sing to the Lord, To repair my soul, It requires I die, Until the new leaves grow.
And let way for new budding grass, That in the fire it would not pass. So that by the end, my fruitless plane, Could bare the name of Jesus' name.
The power in the name is a concentration I've considered for my work, moving forward. It's importance is of the utmost; for the Utmost High can not be denied any further. That the something-that-has-to-give should reveal itself shortly, and I could move forward with the only purpose my heart has truly known: to proclaim Jesus Saves; and to relieve myself of the oddity of the homosexual sin and lifestyle.
But what does that look like, and what does that really mean? Does that mean that I get married to a woman? Does that mean that I'm celibate? I know it doesn't mean that I should have sex with whoever I shall please, at any given time.