"It sure seems like God is some kind of trickster. Perhaps the devine is playing games with us."

-Richard Rohr; "Breathing Under Water"

"But He played me the games, and he showed me the ways how they laugh without saying a word."

It's as though the steps must start all over again as if they never started in the first place. I often find myself in places like these--at least once every couple of years. Broken beyond the point of recognition on the inside, and abandoned by even myself.

So what is it? Return to the 12 steps, the church, and the small groups, so that my life can resume it's previous identity as the well put together, well versed, and cultured creature that I pretend to be? That's not quite the answer. 

Even to return to the self loathing, fragile, glitter bug that I used to be would not in itself help matters. My actions from the past month have proven that.

So what is it? In this place of vulnerability I have found myself powerless. In this place of vulnerability I have found myself mask-less despite my attempts to where them. I've been tucked away behind the blinds; I'm not lying to anybody, but I'm not telling it all either.

I look at this new place that I've come to call my home. I look at who I've become over the quarter of a century that I've been here: a suburban bohemian vagabond. Initially that's what I thought that I wanted to achieve, but in reality I think I've only accepted what I've felt I can't rise above.

The things I've used to validate myself are melting away; it's like a long drawn out funeral, and I just wish it would end.

In this I've found myself powerless.

"The ego self is always attached to mere externals, since it has no inner substance itself. The ego defines itself by its attachments and revulsion. The soul does not attach nor does i hate; it desires and loves and lets go."

-Richard Rohr; "Breathing Under Water"